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Home > What would you do? I am not thinking clearly.

What would you do? I am not thinking clearly.

February 24th, 2011 at 11:53 am

I am divorced, My divorce was final in May of 2010. My Ex-Husband moved out of state to go to college. It is a 12 hour round trip distance. In our divorce decree we were suppose to sell the house and divid the profits. Well my Ex-Husband is underemployed because he is lazy.

We tried to list the house for sell, but it did not sell. So eventually we came to a both agreed upon house value and I bought my Ex-Husband out of the house and refinanced the loan.

He lived rent free in my home until he moved out of state to start school in August. In Late July we finally came to an agreed house value and I refinanced.

Before I started dating my BF, my EX-Husband would come and stay in the spare bedroom in the basement when he came to visit our son. (Nothing PHYSICAL was going on, so I felt not fear).

Fast Forward.
I learned that I would be deployed out of country this coming September and asked if my Ex-Husband would take an extra large course load to graduate at least one month early (they are on a 6 week cycle) so that he could be done before I leave so that he can take care of our son.

I came up with the idea of my Ex just moving back into the house while I was deployed so that my son would not have to change schools and because if my son is living in my home then his medical is paid 100% with no co-pays BUT if he moves out of my home then he get moved to standard with a 20% co pay. Plus my son has a support system here on the cul-de-sac of people who love him.

Also I figured this would mean that someone would be around to watch the house. I was going to let him live there rent free because he was doing me a favor by watching the house and because of all the benefits for our son.

Fast Forward 3 months.
Well then I met my BF and I started thinking maybe I should adjust my plan a bit. I would trust BF to take better care of the house and IF I did have my Ex-Husband living in the house I would need him to pay the waste/water and elec/gas bills ($225 per month) just so that I could insure my Ex-husband would not run up the bills just because he was not paying it.

After a while I gave BF a key to my place not thinking he was going to move in but just so he could come and go as he pleased without me needing to let him in. Well he took that as me asking him to move in. I guess maybe I was asking him to move in without asking. Anyway he asked if I was sure IF I wanted him there because if he was staying at the house then my EX would need to find an apartment during the deployment AND he would need to find another place to stay when he came to see our son, because he was not comfortable with the situation.

My BF gave notice to his landlord and is in the process of breaking his lease. He has a dog and his parents are bringing the dog here with them when they visit either this weekend or next weekend. (They live out of state and have been watching BF's dog). At this time the only financial contribution BF has provided is that he has watched my son for me so that I could work the weekend twice.

A few days ago my EX said he wanted to talk to me because he was stressing the housing situation and wanted to iron down the details. I think he thought I might be on the edge of letting BF move in. Anyway when I told EX that he should plan for an apartment when he moves back to this state after finishing school, he said he was really looking forward to living in the house rent free to get back on his feet and since he will not have a job he is not sure how he can afford to rent some place and IF he has to pay rent then he would have to go to Child Support to stop his payments and to get something from me.

Please note that my EX-Husband ran through his Equity buyout in like 3 months and is now getting calls from his bank, creditors, and credit card company. I know this because I told him he need to update his telephone number because his "Services" still had the house number listed as a contact and they were asking for him to call him back.

I did the online calculator from our child support website and I currently get $319.90 from him now, IF I was forced to pay him Child Support I would have to pay $717. This is $1036.90 more money he would have a month and $1036.90 LESS money I would have if he chose to go that route. IF he goes that route I dont know where I am going to cut $1036.90 a month out of my bills.

I was thinking to make it easier I would see if BF would agree to let EX live in the basement. I have a two floor home with four bedrooms and 3 bathrooms so the only shared space would be the laundry and the kitchen. My EX is neat and tidy so that would not be an issue.

My another FEAR is once MY Ex-Husband realizes that if he has custody that not only would he not have to pay $319.90 a month he would make that $717 and so he might try to get permanent custody while I am deployed so I have to pay him the $717 each month. Another thing is once I get back from deployment and have to ask for another Child Support Adjustment to get my garnishments stopped and his started his other daughter (Different mother) will have turned 19 so if he maintained custody of our son her amount he would get to keep instead of possibly increasing my amount because of the freed up money.

Yes it is a complex MESS.

What would you do? Would you ask your BF to just try to look at your EX as a housemate? Would you do something totally different? What would you Do?

I am not thinking clearly and don't know what to do.

10 Responses to “What would you do? I am not thinking clearly.”

  1. North Georgia Gal Says:

    I would say to do the thing that will impact your son the least...so I guess I am saying to let your Ex live in the house. But I would make him pay something, not just live there rent free.

  2. ceejay74 Says:

    So sorry to hear about your ongoing trouble. Without knowing the exact dynamics, it sounds like you don't have nearly enough communication with your BF to be living with him. Since he's breaking his lease you really have no choice, but since you didn't exactly ask him to move in, you shouldn't let that ruin you financially (and possibly embroil you in a custody battle).

    Hopefully you'll feel comfortable sitting your BF down and explaining the ruinous financial and possibly custodial consequences if your ex doesn't move in. It's basically a like-it-or-lump-it situation for your BF. Offer sympathy for his discomfort, but be clear that you do need your ex to use the house while you're gone. If your BF's discomfort is so great that he needs to find temporary housing during the deployment, that's up to him.

  3. creditcardfree Says:

    Please do not have all three of them living there together while you are deployed. There are too many things that can go wrong in this situation. Your son is going to have a very hard and stressful time without his mother. Make that the only thing he has to worry about.

    I think there is a big red flag in front of you. Your boyfriend is not willing to pay anything to live in your house. And you have not asked for such. Stand up for yourself. He should at least pay 1/3 of housing and utilities. If he can't afford it, he can't live with you. Period. Pay him to watch your child on weekends. Or someone else. Keep every transaction seperate. Until you become married. Think of him as you would any other roommate. I realize you have mentioned you won't be getting married, but you need at least a year or two where you are roommates before you start combining income, especially being fresh from a divorce.

    You might talk to a JAG officer about how to legally handle your custody situation. I don't think your EX can get custody while you are deployed. You would be unavailable to a judge to make a decision. Legal motions can be delayed until you return. You might also want a written legal document for whomever you rent your house to.

    You need to tell your boyfriend TODAY that you are having second thoughts on who will live in your home during deployment. He should know, so that he can make appropriate decisions. Don't let either of the men decide for you. You need to decide what you want for you and for your son. The least stressful situation would be best.

    ((Hugs)) I know this is hard to hear and very difficult decision to make. Personally, I'd tell the BF to find his own place now until after the deployment. I would have EX live with son, because the house would benefit them the most given the situation.

  4. Ima saver Says:

    I agree with the others. The best thing is to stick to your original plan to let the EX live there with your son while you are gone.

  5. MonkeyMama Says:

    I honestly think it is not a good thing to have both men living in the house. ccfree elaborates why. Just something about it makes my cringe. Unless both men were incredibly understanding and mature about the situation (Seems unlikely!).

    At face value, it seems your ex took advantage of you for a long time. BF seems to be starting out on that same foot. Not knowing anything else about the situation, and knowing he hasn't 100% moved in yet, I think I would ask him to move out. I might read the situation differently if it wasn't for the "lazy ex." But now it seems you've just got 2 men who want to live rent free (as opposed to just one). I think time and distance is really necessary to clear your head. If BF is "the one," or something great, he would be understanding about the situation.

    Regardless, I think with this deployment situation you should put your son first. I Am not sure if the ex is "best," or just "Easy." But I think Ex is better suited to watch your child than BF. I can see some merit to letting him move in and watch your child.

  6. Joanne Says:

    Little Ms. Hi, I read over your posts. I agrree w/ Monkey Mama that you could use some time to really think about what YOU want, and for your son. It is your house, and you shouldn't feel bad, or guilty for asking for rent money, or food money etc. It is a red flag, IMO that BF is in your house , and not paying his share. NO matter how nice a guy he seems, or is he should pay, esp., as he sees that you have a child . I am not wanting to judge you. It seems that EX got away w/ alot of crap.., and thinks should cont. I would meet with JAG , & have an agreement drawn up as to care of yr,. SOn , finances etc. specific to deployment. My son is NAvy , and he has done this, though he has no kids yet. He addresses all concerns in his will , and wishes.etc. I would have yr. ex sign it also. Good luck, be strong for yrself. I am too meanI think. , the BF would never ask to live for free w/ me. I'd let him go to his apartment. Best of luck.

  7. ceejay74 Says:

    Oh and PS: I've given my key to people I was dating and been given their key, too. It's definitely a step up in a relationship, but I've never seen it as implicit invitation to move in. I think it's a tad strange that he made that assumption, and that you allowed it to get as far as him giving up his place without discussing it for real. There seems to be some strange communication going on. Just my POV.

  8. TarWalker Says:

    The others make very valid points.

    I have a question. One that isn't a nice one to think about, but I really think you should consider it: What if while you are deployed, your BF breaks up with you and/or he starts seeing someone else with/without your knowledge?

    That's a scary situation when your son, your house, and your personal possessions are involved. I could see how it could easily become a nightmare- materially, financially, and especially emotionally to you and your son. The way your BF is currently acting (like a leech) doesn’t help the scenario very much.

    Take some time and really, really think about what YOU want and what YOU want for your SON. Not your Ex and not your BF; they are possible variables, not the constants.

    Pretend you are the mother of LittleMsMom. What would Mother-you tell the LittleMsMom to do? There are probably a lot of answers there already.

  9. Petunia 100 Says:

    I'm a divorced mom too.

    You and your son's father had made living arrangements for your son while you are deployed. It sounds to me like a pretty good arrangement. Your son will be in his own home, with his dad, in the same school, with his support network, while his mom is gone. This really sounds like it will be the most supportive arrangement possible while you are deployed.

    I would not change your plans for your son in order to clear the house for BF.

    Like Ceejay, I was also struck that he assumed a key was an invite to move in. Either he is very inexperienced, or he misunderstood on purpose.

    What is the point of him moving in right before your deployment? To save rent money is not a good enough reason. When you return home, if you both think it is a good idea, then go ahead.

  10. Jerry Says:

    I think that the above advice make a lot of sense, and I would definitely try to get an appointment with the JAG officer so you have an idea what the legal ramifications are. It sounds like it leads to a lot of stress, which is just what you and your son DON'T need as you prepare to deploy! I hope that you have some insurance of being able to iron it all out ASAP. Good luck!

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